Confessions
by Ster J
Summary: While Spock confesses to McCoy after the Omicron Ceti III spore incident, the doctor has to deal with painful memories.


Title: Confessions

Author: Ster Julie

Codes: TOS; Mc, S

Rating: PG

Part 1 of 1

Summary: While Spock confesses to McCoy after the Omicron Ceti III spore incident, the doctor has to deal with his own painful memories.

A/N: This is a stand-alone, a prequel of sorts to Amok Time.

-ooOoo-

Doctor McCoy was exhausted. He and his staff had worked through several days of round-the-clock medical exams after returning from Omicron Ceti III. They had triaged everyone as the crew beamed aboard, then followed up with those who were injured from the many brawls. They also had to tend to those whose showed signs exposure to Berthold Rays after the protective spores had been purged from their bodies.

On checking the roster of crew and colonists, McCoy was not surprised to see the name of one very elusive Vulcan remaining

McCoy found Spock sitting in the Mess Hall, pushing food around on his plate and pretending to satisfy a non-existent hunger. As Spock stood to dispose of his now cold meal, McCoy commented, "The illogic of waste."

Spock's eyes registered surprise. He obviously had not noticed the doctor's approach, which only proved that the Vulcan was not "all right."

McCoy's keen eye registered Spock's pale skin and lack of vibrancy. He also noticed that Spock's uniform seemed almost baggy and estimated that the Vulcan had lost about five kilos. But to McCoy, the worst was the look in the Vulcan's eyes.

Spock looked lost.

"Wrap it up and take it with you," McCoy ordered.

"Where am I going?" Spock asked tiredly.

"I'd prefer Sickbay," McCoy replied, "but I'll settle on anyplace private. You're my last customer."

Spock sighed. He knew better than to argue. He downed the tepid tea and lukewarm soup in a few gulps. Then he pocketed the multigrain crisp breads and fruit and led the doctor from the room.

McCoy wasn't surprised when they ended up in Spock's quarters. The Vulcan unceremoniously dumped the fruit and crackers on his desk, then stood quietly for the requested once-over of McCoy's tricorder.

McCoy harrumphed over Spock's results. None of the readings was off the scale, but they were only marginal at best.

"What's troubling you, Spock?" McCoy asked gently.

To his amazement, McCoy did not receive the usual lecture from Spock regarding his imprecise speech. The Vulcan merely lowered his head.

"I have been unfaithful," Spock confessed quietly.

"What?" McCoy breathed. He knew for a fact that Spock's file read "single." What was he talking about?

"Do I need to spell it out for you, Doctor?" Spock snapped. "I had relations with Dr. Kalomi."

"You're married?" McCoy interjected.

"Engaged," Spock corrected.

"Since when?" McCoy continued.

"Twenty-eight years ago," Spock retorted, "but that is immaterial." Before McCoy could ask another inane question, Spock added, "It was an arranged marriage, but for twenty-eight years I have been faithful to my commitment—until now."

"So you had an affair under while infected by the spores," McCoy stated, "so what? Your fiancée can't hold you responsible for that. You were under alien influence at the time."

"That's just an excuse," Spock murmured.

"More like a defense," McCoy replied. "Look, spare your fiancée the pain and don't even tell her."

"She already knows," Spock said bleakly. "We are linked mentally."

"Oh."

Spock pressed his hands to his head. "How can I make amends to her?" the Vulcan agonized. "How can I restore her trust?"

_/Amends?/ _McCoy thought. _/Restore trust? Spock is beside himself. Was Jocelyn ever so wracked with guilt over her affair with that jackass? Did she ever feel regret over what she did to me, to us? Did she ever once think to do so much as apologize for stepping out on me? My poor, sweet Joanna … /_

"Doctor?"

McCoy started. He was so lost in his own bitter thoughts that he hadn't realized that Spock was waiting for an answer.

"What troubles you?"

McCoy gave Spock a humorless grin as he heard his own words used on him. "I was remembering a similar event in my life, Spock," he admitted with chagrin.

"You had an affair?" Spock probed.

McCoy bristled. "No," he snapped, "my _wife_ did. It resulted in a bitter divorce and the loss of custody of my little girl."

At the waves of pain Spock felt emanating from McCoy, he refrained from asking any further questions.

"So you know what's it's like to be the injured party," Spock observed quietly.

"Damn right I do," McCoy rasped as his throat tightened and his eyes filled with tears he refused to let fall in Spock's presence.

Spock hesitated to query further, but he needed information.

"Would anything have lessened your pain?" he inquired gently.

McCoy dashed away the wetness from his eyes with the back of his hand.

"Aside from not doing it in the first place?" he grated. Spock nodded. McCoy looked to the ceiling, still battling tears. "She never apologized," the doctor admitted resentfully. "Jocelyn made the whole thing _my_ fault, even convincing the judge to give her everything, including my sweet, sweet Joanna."

"I had no idea," Spock breathed. _/Could T'Pring be experiencing a similar pain at my betrayal?/_ Spock conjectured with worry. _/T'Pring, coolness in my heat, forgive me!/ _Spock turned to McCoy. "Please forgive me for causing you such distress, Doctor," he pled.

"You didn't cause my pain, Spock," McCoy corrected.

Spock considered a moment. "So, you recommend that I apologize to my fiancée for my indiscretions," he concluded.

McCoy shrugged. "I don't know what would be culturally correct for Vulcans, Spock," he replied. "Do what you think is right."

The doctor turned to leave and espied the food on the Vulcan's desk. "Just when you're finished apologizing, stop dining on ashes and get a decent meal in you," he commented. "Consider it Doctor's orders."

After McCoy left, Spock moved to his storage area and removed a box of fine stationery his mother had sent him on his last birthday. He realized that T'Pring would not receive his letter for weeks, but he also knew that she would sense him writing it now. Spock also pulled out a pot of ink and a Gollic calligraphy brush. With a deft hand, Spock began to pen his letter of apology to T'Pring.

_/T'Pring, she who is one with me in heart and mind and being, I greet you./_

_/You hold this paper in your hands as surely as you hold my life./_

_/I have wronged you and I ask forgiveness … /_

T'Pring read no further. She crumpled the document with both hands and tossed it into the firepot. She then stepped to her comm system.

"Stonn? I would speak with you."

-END-


End file.
